Parenting is hard work.
Parenting teens, is still hard work.
They look like adults and at times
even act like adults, but they are not, and seriously important, dedicated
parenting is still necessary.
I have two children, aged 16 and 17
and I find that I bite my tongue to a great extent, often, make comments like “Wow!”
and “What did you think?” and I smile and laugh so much so, that I am hoping I
will defy the laws of gravity and develop upward wrinkles rather than downward.
My teens have terrific friends and I
am grateful to know most of them. When it comes to their friends, what I am
most appreciative for is when Max and Jillian bring their friends’ problems or
challenges, home to me. It allows me to see how my children are processing
these problems, offer suggestions if the situation warrants it, but most
importantly, it warms me with the knowledge that my kids are all right.
We eat the majority of our meals
together at the dining room table without any external distractions. If one of
the kids has a practise at 5 p.m., we eat at 4 or 7. If one has a practise at 7
p.m., we eat at 5. Healthy food and digestion are important to me and the
dinner table is where much of our parenting and learning has taken place. The
other place where we delve into deep, meaningful conversations is in the
vehicle driving from home to practises etc. When the kids passed the stage
where they needed a snack in the vehicle, I stopped letting them eat in there,
asking that we stop and sit down to eat wherever we were headed or sometimes
along the way. We are blessed with abundant food and this practise has helped
to teach them that it is okay to go for a couple of hours without food and in
this way the vehicle has not become a cue for hunger.
As parents, we do what works for us
with the experience, knowledge, resources and guidance that we have in the
moment. I knew that I was not a very good reactive person and needed to
eliminate possible little problems before they became big ones. These following points
were small things that we could create to make certain bigger problems didn’t
ensue.
These rules that I am thankful
we instated when the kids were young, and also when they were emerging into the
teen years, acquiring devices that have become amazing tools but could be used
to isolate themselves from the present, are:
1. Electronic gaming is an extra activity to be engaged in. It is not
something that I wanted my children to exist in daily or become obsessed with,
but a little added pursuit. I could never wrap my head around war games, other
than chess, and so the other night, when Max told me that he was at a friend’s
house and everyone was playing some popular war game and that he “sucked”. I
laughed out loud and cheekily apologized to him for not allowing “bad boy
games”. He smiled and shook his
head and I know that at 17, he is happy he chooses to be more physical than
sedentary.
2. Watching television was something that my husband loved and still
loves to do through the fall and winter in the evenings. I can hardly stand
hearing the television on and wanted my children to utilize the off switch.
When I was expecting Max, I had a long talk with Brent about my feelings
surrounding the television and we came to a compromise that the TV would not
come on until 8 p.m. For many years, Max was asleep by then, and the bedtime
routine had certainly begun by 7. This practise just became a part of how we
live. Do we watch television? Absolutely, but my teens will not choose a
program over an activity and they definitely know where the off button is.
3. Cell phone use: This is a big one because I love the advancing
technology surrounding cell phones and I want my children to use them with
confidence as hand held web devices, sharing, collaborating and connecting on a
global scale. Max received his first cell phone when he headed to another town
for high school. We were going to wait until he started to drive but decided
that it was time for us as a family, to be able to reach him and for him to
reach us readily. Before he was gifted this remarkable piece of equipment, we
set up a charging station in the dining room, let him know that it was where
his phone resided when he went to bed at night and that if he wanted it as his
music device, that was fine but for in his room, he was to use his old iPod for
music. This ensured that his sleep would not be broken with overnight texting,
as well as notifications of any kind that had been neglected to be turned off. Almost
three years later, this has never changed and when Jillian received her first
cell phone, this past summer, she too received a station in the dining
room.
Have I made mistakes? Of course, and
I will continue to make mistakes but these ways in which we live with teens,
peacefully, instilling rules before conflict, have helped us to live
harmoniously. I invite you to join me in conversation surrounding parenting
teens, what works and what doesn’t for you and your family.
~ Ellyn
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| Playing - teen style! |
