My Word for 2013

The word peace has shown itself to me intermittently over the years. Throughout November and December, however, I took note of it showing up more frequently.

In any given situation, I have a choice and I can choose peace in response to all else.

Will I consistently choose it?

Probably not.

In spite of this, what I endeavour to do this year, is to recognize my feelings surrounding a situation, acknowledge those feelings, breathe through them and attempt to choose peace in response to what is going on inside me and around me.

For a few years now, I have worked through A Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson. I have yet to get through the entire course and have settled with the decision that that is okay. Maybe each point, at which my being stops, is where I need to just pause; let ideas in the course ruminate. The cool thing is, is that a few of the ideas in the course keep cropping up for me. One of those thoughts is, “I can choose peace, rather than this.” I love it and have noticed situations diffuse when I smile warmly, consciously breathe and step into peace.

This undertaking sounds simple, but I actually laughed aloud and shook my head when I realized what was before me, knowing that it is not an easy task, nevertheless one worth accepting.

I continue to be grateful for this and all else and will be gentle on myself, knowing that peace has chosen me. 

~ Ellyn

Inspired by Debbie Ford, I know that we all yearn for different kinds of love at different times in our lives. Sometimes I need acceptance and gentleness and at other times passion and adventure. When my daughter Jillian was born, everything happened so quickly and I wasn’t sure if I should be helping by pushing or not. Brent was being his gentle self just quietly breathing, offering soothing words and stroking my hand. One nurse with an angry voice put her face in my face and sternly said, “Look at me and I will tell you exactly when to push!” After Jillian’s birth, the nurse apologized but I refused to accept it and instead thanked her. This was the kind of love I needed right then with direct instructions.

This week’s self-love exercise that I have chosen to engage in, asks me each morning to breathe into the area around my heart and notice any feelings or emotions that reside there. This morning the colour I felt was an intense orange, which made me smile excitedly. Orange is my passion colour. It calls me to laugh loudly, eat voraciously, sit on the edge of my seat, run hard and love intensely. No gentleness for me today. Instead it was coloured with fierce expression!

~ Ellyn

Why I Write...

I am a writer, therefore I write.

These are the words that face me as I sit at my desk to write each morning. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to convince myself that I am indeed a writer or are they inspirational, reminding me to keep going.

Upon reading Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s post last week about the questions she is presently asking herself, surrounding her own writing, have given me the impetus to wonder about mine.

Do I write because that is just what I have always done? Do I write because I think I have committed myself to doing so? Do I write because the words in my heart want to spill out onto the page?

And like Oriah and other writers, the answers to these questions changes.

What is important to me today, is that I ask myself these questions and unlike Oriah, I am asking myself why…

~ Ellyn

Peaceful Parenting...

Parenting is hard work.

Parenting teens, is still hard work.

They look like adults and at times even act like adults, but they are not, and seriously important, dedicated parenting is still necessary.

I have two children, aged 16 and 17 and I find that I bite my tongue to a great extent, often, make comments like “Wow!” and “What did you think?” and I smile and laugh so much so, that I am hoping I will defy the laws of gravity and develop upward wrinkles rather than downward.

My teens have terrific friends and I am grateful to know most of them. When it comes to their friends, what I am most appreciative for is when Max and Jillian bring their friends’ problems or challenges, home to me. It allows me to see how my children are processing these problems, offer suggestions if the situation warrants it, but most importantly, it warms me with the knowledge that my kids are all right.

We eat the majority of our meals together at the dining room table without any external distractions. If one of the kids has a practise at 5 p.m., we eat at 4 or 7. If one has a practise at 7 p.m., we eat at 5. Healthy food and digestion are important to me and the dinner table is where much of our parenting and learning has taken place. The other place where we delve into deep, meaningful conversations is in the vehicle driving from home to practises etc. When the kids passed the stage where they needed a snack in the vehicle, I stopped letting them eat in there, asking that we stop and sit down to eat wherever we were headed or sometimes along the way. We are blessed with abundant food and this practise has helped to teach them that it is okay to go for a couple of hours without food and in this way the vehicle has not become a cue for hunger.

As parents, we do what works for us with the experience, knowledge, resources and guidance that we have in the moment. I knew that I was not a very good reactive person and needed to eliminate possible little problems before they became big ones. These following points were small things that we could create to make certain bigger problems didn’t ensue. 

These rules that I am thankful we instated when the kids were young, and also when they were emerging into the teen years, acquiring devices that have become amazing tools but could be used to isolate themselves from the present, are:

1.       Electronic gaming is an extra activity to be engaged in. It is not something that I wanted my children to exist in daily or become obsessed with, but a little added pursuit. I could never wrap my head around war games, other than chess, and so the other night, when Max told me that he was at a friend’s house and everyone was playing some popular war game and that he “sucked”. I laughed out loud and cheekily apologized to him for not allowing “bad boy games”.  He smiled and shook his head and I know that at 17, he is happy he chooses to be more physical than sedentary.

2.       Watching television was something that my husband loved and still loves to do through the fall and winter in the evenings. I can hardly stand hearing the television on and wanted my children to utilize the off switch. When I was expecting Max, I had a long talk with Brent about my feelings surrounding the television and we came to a compromise that the TV would not come on until 8 p.m. For many years, Max was asleep by then, and the bedtime routine had certainly begun by 7. This practise just became a part of how we live. Do we watch television? Absolutely, but my teens will not choose a program over an activity and they definitely know where the off button is.

3.       Cell phone use: This is a big one because I love the advancing technology surrounding cell phones and I want my children to use them with confidence as hand held web devices, sharing, collaborating and connecting on a global scale. Max received his first cell phone when he headed to another town for high school. We were going to wait until he started to drive but decided that it was time for us as a family, to be able to reach him and for him to reach us readily. Before he was gifted this remarkable piece of equipment, we set up a charging station in the dining room, let him know that it was where his phone resided when he went to bed at night and that if he wanted it as his music device, that was fine but for in his room, he was to use his old iPod for music. This ensured that his sleep would not be broken with overnight texting, as well as notifications of any kind that had been neglected to be turned off. Almost three years later, this has never changed and when Jillian received her first cell phone, this past summer, she too received a station in the dining room. 

Have I made mistakes? Of course, and I will continue to make mistakes but these ways in which we live with teens, peacefully, instilling rules before conflict, have helped us to live harmoniously. I invite you to join me in conversation surrounding parenting teens, what works and what doesn’t for you and your family.

~ Ellyn

Playing - teen style!

Youth At Risk

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“Human beings are hardwired with the impulse to share ideas and the desire to know we’ve been heard. It’s all a part of our need for community. “ Jake Bohm

Theologian, Martin Marty, of the University of Chicago, observes that as crucial as the family is to preserving civilization, it is the tribe rather than the nuclear family, which ensures cultural survival. It is not surprising that the word “tribe” has been associated with online groups of common interest as Web 2.0 became the tribal web for personalized learning. However, if we look to our youth and the current challenges that they face, remembering that although we, their parents, are continuing to preserve civilization, our children still look to their tribe for cultural survival. They want to belong.

Following a presentation last night put on by a dedicated school counsellor at my teens’ high school, I once again feel weighed down with what our teens are facing and so I turn first, to my pen…

I was thrilled to see the room overflowing with parents, teachers and even a couple of grandparents and I am warmed to know that our kids have so much support from every corner of their community, to walk with them through these current challenges.

The lecture, which ended with open and rich dialogue, covered the local situation surrounding alcohol and other drug use, and the current pressures that are before our teens.  Not only did we hear about the kinds of drugs that are readily available, but also there were samples provided to take note of. Parents were offered behavioural signs to look for and ways to open up conversations about possible pressures. In the case where parents feel that their child is misusing or abusing, potential avenues were provided. An R.C.M.P. officer was present and offered much in the way of experience and knowledge to the Addictions Counsellor’s lecture. Needless to say, it was an extraordinary evening.

But now what?

If it is indeed the tribe that ensures this cultural survival, and I have chosen to raise my children within this culture, I need to positively support them, and their friends, right here and now.  

In Dr. Martin Brokenleg’s book, Reclaiming Youth at Risk, he proposes that as people search to make meaning out of their existence, they need to mend some of the broken circles that have been created and suggests that the first step in doing so is ensuring that a person feels that she or he belongs. It is sad for me to think that these young people in our community, already have broken circles within their beings, and yet, I feel it. Taking all of this into consideration, how do we assist them responsibly when the way that they feel that they belong is by partaking in drinking and/or drugs?

As a teacher and a parent, I have always felt that one of my responsibilities is to help children see what their gifts and talents are and to help them find ways for them to express and utilize these gifts and talents for good in this world. With my own children, I have offered them opportunities to take part in humanitarian, musical and physical endeavours in order for them to grow in confidence and know what they are good at. Generally speaking I believe that most parents strive to do just this for their children, and even though my children know their strengths, have passion and commitment for their undertakings, it is their tribe that they want to belong with.

Of course.

Please join me in this discussion that has existed over time and will continue to be present, as we work together to protect, guide and support our teens, facing the challenges that they are facing, and to be with their friends, sharing ideas, creating good and being in community.

~ Ellyn

Noticing Goodness

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This writing is overdue and yet essential, as I cannot seem to keep my thoughts from my time spent with an incredible group of teenagers. 

In September, my fifteen-year-old daughter phoned me to see if I could alter my schedule and accompany her and the rest of her classmates, on a Grade 10 camping trip. When a teenager asks an adult to be present with them, it is of utmost importance to do just that and so… without any hesitation, I cancelled two other engagements, packed a bag, put food together and joined them. 

I had a few reservations that did not involve camping in snow and cold, but I had heard that this particular group of teens had some strong characters that had been in a few predicaments. A couple of parents had warned me about a few specific kids, as well as situational details. What I discovered, however, contradicted all of these stories. There is no question that this group has some diverse and strong individuals, and… well… isn’t that a good thing?

I have always seen social misbehaviour in young children as a call out for action from a caring a positive adult, and wondered what could cause a teen to behave in a rude or violent manner, and I wondered how I would handle a teen, not my own, who called for my care and attention.

My initial anxiety was quashed immediately upon arriving at the adventure camp, when a young student walked off of the bus, with her arms spread up and out and her head looking towards the sun saying, “Everywhere I look, I see beauty.” It was then that I knew I needed to journal while I was with these young people.

Under the utmost capable supervision and mentorship of their Physical Education Coach, they unloaded the bus, set up tents and the rest of their camp, and headed off with two camp leaders to wall climb. I smiled warmly as they encouraged each other, including a few students who were unsure of taking part in the activity. This may sound like quite a rambling but here goes - One student commented on another student’s remark towards a fearful student, who did not want to try the climbing wall, reminding the initial student that said student was afraid of heights. “Oh ya.” was the remark from the first student. And the commenting was over, with no defending from the height fearful one. For those three days, the students continued to support and surround each other with acceptance and friendship and as a group of young people, I was in awe of how diverse each student was, and yet how supportive they were of each other. 

Their Phys. Ed. Coach is in tune with this age group and knew that they needed to come together as a collective at the start of the school year, learning that they indeed belong with each other, and she asked them to demonstrate their maturity and collective skills in order to work in harmony to become a valued community in and of themselves.

I am in admiration of each person on the camping trip, and will continue to offer my assistance as a supervisor for any future adventures together, remembering how important it is to notice goodness while honouring individualism.

~ Ellyn

Our Paleo Lifestyle Journey...

I have been studying nutrition for the better part of my life. My dad was a nutritionist kinda guy specializing in grains and breads. He was always concerned about the food we ate and I remember when I was in high school, and he phoned us from his lab to tell us not to ever put Nutrasweet® in our bodies. A controversial article had come across his desk and he could not wait until he got home from work to talk to us. He needed us to know right then. That was in the 1970’s and we, as a society, have discovered so much more about sugar and sugar substitutes since then. 

The year my husband and I were married, he discovered that he had diabetes. Not only did he have a genetic disposition to the condition, but his lifestyle also played a role. His body crashed and he went on insulin injections. We changed our eating habits to follow what dieticians then suggested, and within about half a year, Brent was off of insulin and controlling his blood sugar through diet and exercise. Over the years, his weight gain and loss was like a yo-yo and I began to suspect that some of the fabricated foods like margarine, Splenda® and low fat, light fare foods that we were eating, were not really food at all. It made sense to me that we should be eating food that was as natural as possible. If it came from a box or a can, I needed to know what each ingredient actually was.

We live on a farm with a garden and are able to access home grown meats, eggs and honey and for this I am grateful as it truly does make our life surrounding food, much easier. For sixteen years we have been eating mostly natural, 3^rd party certified organic, free range, grass fed, sun kissed, food. And yet, my husband is back on insulin and this summer found that he was using more and more. The other puzzling thing about how diabetes works in Brent’s system, has been is high blood sugar levels in the mornings. By playing with his diet, we found that if he cut out simple carbohydrates from noon on, that it reduced his next morning’s blood sugar level but not drastically enough to make a difference throughout the day or as the days became weeks.

Enter some Paleo Creatures.

My cousin and her husband enveloped the Paleo lifestyle a couple of years ago and have not only dropped weight but also feel fabulous. Eight months ago, I began studying this phenomenon that seemed to be gaining popularity. It took me those eight months to decide whether I felt this was the right direction for everyone in our family or not. I needed us all to buy into this way of life. As I delved into the meat of living paleo, I struggled with finding answers to why there were some foods of the earth, that were not to be eaten. Using The Paleo Diet for the Athlete, by Loren Cordain, reading numerous articles for and against this way of eating, and by asking questions, I was settled with and understood more about high and low glycemic indexed foods and was ready to try it. I promised each family member that we would only try it for one month and then make a formal decision based on that month’s success or lack of, as to whether we would attempt to fully embrace this manner or not.

One month saw amazing results that we did not expect to see in such a short time.

Brent Age: 49 Steadily dropped weight each week, 8 lbs. during the first week, 5 during the next week and 10 over the next 2 weeks. He cut his insulin injections by half most meals and his morning blood sugar levels were normal.

Jillian Age: 15 Lost 7 pounds (even though she did not need to and this was most definitely not a goal nor a focus.) We’ve known since Jillian was 5 that she is lactose intolerant and, as a family gave up most dairy when she was 7. We have played around with raw milk, cheese etc. but on the Paleo Lifestyle, gave it up entirely for the month of September. Jillian remarked at how she has been living with a continual stomach ache most of her life but did not have one that month unless she chose to stray from the diet and ate something from a friend.

Max Age: 17 Lost 7 pounds and again was not necessary nor a focus. He has had the most challenging time sticking with it as he likes to go out for lunch with friends occasionally and the choice is usually a burger. At home, however, he has stuck to the regime and I, as mom, refuse to be a food bully.

The greatest results by far that will help us stick with this way of being, is that we are all so thrilled for Brent, and none of us are actually hungry. That doesn’t mean that we don’t miss some foods, we just don’t actually crave them.

It has only been one month, but that one-month, has demonstrated extraordinary results. Check back next month and I’ll report on how things are progressing for us as Paleos.

~ Ellyn